The opening line of the film is John Malkovich saying "nice pussy" (in reference to the actual animal, followed by a mrow. Only good things can come of this.
The opening credits were kinda overlong, but the music was nice and creepy. There is a short backstory which they mercifully wrote up and it is on-screen to read rather than doing what most films do, and that is throwing away the first half-hour setting up. Basically: John Malkovich plays Murnau, a movie director who wants to make an epic vampire movie. Actually he wants to make Dracula, but Bram Stoker's widow is like "hell no, I own the rights to that and you. can't. have. it." So he has to change the story somewhat, changing the name and location to the Czech Republic. The whole movie is based on the original Nosferatu movie. Which I have never seen.
Ok so now Malkovich is at some old timey sort of gentlemen's club or a cabaret or something. The scene changes before anything good happens.
The guy who is going to be in Malko's epic vampire movie is named Schreck. Max Schreck. Shrek. Hee. They're talking about him and how cast and crew will only see him/film him at night, while he's in full makeup. They're saying he's a super, super method actor. Nah. This guy sounds like a real vampire to me. I wonder if he glitters in the sunlight? Max Schreck was a real guy. Schreck means terror, apparently, and that is the coolest last name ever for an actor in a horror film.
Murnaukovich is giving what is actually a rather poignant speech about the power of film. I wonder how he really felt about that line since he is partial to the theater in real life? There's a good line in the beginning of the film about the theater giving life, while the camera takes it. Not unlike a vampire.
Okay, the film location is sufficiently creepy. Love it. The film director is being all shady about the details of filming the "actor" vampire. Now the crew members are in this creepy little cottage place with crucifixes everywhere. Seriously they're adorning the walls and everything. Wait, maybe it's a church actually. Not sure.
Here comes some guy with a ferret in a cage. Oh no, this is like that scene in Jurassic Park, except instead of a T-Rex coming to feast on a lamb, it is Willem DaFoe as a vampire, coming to feast on that poor weasel-y bastard :( that's kind of sad. This vampire's nails are super long and incredibly gross.
So they're filming the next day, when some random Czech lady messes up the scene. ("Albin! There's a NATIVE in my scene!!") She's very upset because the film crew removed all the crosses. Well yeah, she's upset, because those crosses protect her from the ferret eating monster that lurks nearby.
Ohhhh snap, they're filming a night scene and meeting Max Schreck/Count Orlock for the first time. And he is just the creepiest thing I have ever seen. Even the lead actor in the film is looking at Herr Direktor like wtf.
Something has happened to the cameraman or whatever he is. Wolf/Vooooolf, since these people are German. He was laying on the ground looking all despondent. Then when they went back to the place where they're staying, the lady who flipped about the crosses, called him "unclean" and acted spooked. Did he get bit or something?
Next night of shooting....here comes Creepy Count Orlock, coming to scare the hell out of everyone. He's giving Directovich the "I vant to drink your bloood" look, out the corner of his eye.
They're about to start their scene, and it turns out, vampires are really shitty actors. He is supposed to "read" a contract, and he flips out saying he doesn't know what to say. Vampires can't improvise? I call bullshit - the entire Twilight series was improvised. Every one of those movies was like a bad episode of Whose Line is it Anyway.
Then he tries to change the subject and tells Malkovich, "I'd like some makeup." And the answer is "Well you don't get any!" Lol. Malko is definitely going to be vampire food at some point with answers like that.
Hmmm...it turns out Max Schreck is a fan of the lead actress Greta. He sees her picture and exclaims "This is Greta!" Something tells me things are gonna get awkward. No one wants the undead fapping over them.
The vampire just made this weird rabbit face with his teeth and I LOL'd.
Wolf is still acting really weird. Something happened to him.
Back at the hotel or whatever, everyone is talking smack about the vampire. Except Malkovich, who is basically like stoppit you guys, he would never hurt anybody! Funny since he was the one being looked at like he was dinner.
Now the vampire is being presented a big bottle of blood to drink. He's pretty stoked. (Ahaha get it, like Bram Stoker? Ahhhaha) But he's kinda bitter, talking about how he used to drink from golden pimp cups or something. He's missing the good ol' days.
On the movie set: the lead actor, Gustav, just cut himself accidentally, mostly because Herr Director tricked him into it. Jerk. So when the blood appeared, our super method actor vampire leapt up and drank it out of Gustav's hand. I think Gustav needs to consult with his agent, because that doesn't seem OK.
Malkovich gets in his face. The frame cuts to Count Orlock doing the creepy rabbit face again. He looks like Count Chocula.
Malkovich has gone back to yell at him some more. The vampire is playing it cool. Oh okay, Malkovich/Murnau knows this guy is a for-real vampire. What a good director. The vampire is making Malkovich all upset and angry, and I'm not gonna lie, it's kind of hot. Not the vampire part, just the upset and angry part. They're negotiating terms of the film. I get the sense this vampire is not happy about being a vampire ("Tell me how you could harm me, when I don't even know how I could harm myself?") Existential crisis, much? Also it turns out he is obsessed with Greta because he wants to possess her eternal youth. I assume this is code for "drink her blood".
Two of the crew members are trying to start shit with the vampire. They're also drinking. This will end poorly. They have made the mistake of asking how he feels about the book Dracula, and you can tell how they immediately regret it because this guy won't stfu. Then he catches and eats a bat out of midair. Awesome. The vampire just took a swig of liquor. I don't think they're gonna ask for their bottle back.
Drunk vampires are trouble! He just killed someone on set!
Here comes Cary Elwes, and his accent is as shitty as ever, but he just had the best line "Are you loaded? Good, well so am I". lol!
Malkovich has messed up. He got mad and went after the vampire. U DUN GOOFED. I guess staring into a vampire's eyes is really terrifying. But the way a vampire walks, is really really funny, as evidenced by the next scene.
Greta is out of her mind on morphine. I didn't have that good of a time the last time I needed a morphine drip! And now the vampire is outside her door but can't get in. Here's a thought, use those long fingernails to pick the lock instead of clicking them around like an idiot!
So now Malkovich is basically in bed drugged out of his mind or something and he is confessing that Max Schreck isn't really Max Schreck, he is a real vampire. Well you don't say? Oh, and that he promised that the vampire could have Greta. No big deal. No really, it's not a big deal, because Greta is a raging bitch and I would love for this vampire to eat her just so she would stop talking. Also, the vampire's facial expressions are hilarious.
Greta just realized, before any of these other idiots, that the vampire is a real one, because he has no reflection (yet he shows up on film...). Seriously no one else discovered this already? So naturally they're drugging her so she doesn't run away.
The vampire was promised that he can have Greta after his final scene in the film. His death scene. He is directed to die, by Malkovich, and the direction is followed up hilariously with: "Die, you fucking rat bastard, vampire pig, schweinhund shit, yes die alone!" Lol. And scene.
The vampire is feasting on Greta now and the men are filming. The world's first snuff film.
Seriously, Cary Elwes, you can't shoot a vampire. I can't believe he just tried that. It cost him his life, and now the vampire appears to be killing the entire crew. While Murnau films it.
Ok, natural sunlight is coming in, the vampire is dying, Malkovich is filming, and rambling, because his character is crazy. Everyone around him is dead, except the crew members who just showed up, who are looking understandably concerned by all the carnage. Director Murnau doesn't care about their feelings (or about being prosecuted I suppose) and is all like "There. I think we have it."
Roll credits.
This movie was awesome. Funny enough to provide some truly LOL-worthy lines, and plenty of creepiness to make me kinda want to turn the lamp on while I watched. And now I want to see the real Nosferatu.
No comments:
Post a Comment