The Accidental Tourist (by Anne Tyler. Audiobook narrated by John Malkovich.)

I had ordered this as a cassette tape on Ebay for about 2$.  I listened to half of it, and found the latter 2 parts difficult to hear.  Sound quality on super old cassettes can be funny like that.  A fellow Malkovich fan was kind enough to share an mp3 copy with me so I could listen to the recording and oh, you know, actually be able to hear it.

I listened to it while I was working this morning.  The story centers around Macon Leary, who is still grieving (in his own way) the loss of his 12 year old son, who was shot during a robbery at a fast food place.  A year after the death, his wife announces she is leaving him.  She moves out, and he is left with their very unruly dog, Edward.  Edward becomes so out of control, that he causes Macon to breaks his leg, which in turn forces him to go live with his rather unusual (and by that I mean "damn weird") family while he recovers.  They urge him to get Edward professional training.  Eventually he gives in and hires Muriel Pritchard to train the dog but he winds up becoming a part of her life beyond her simply teaching his dog not to attempt to maul random people.

I liked the story.  I don't know if I would have liked it simply by reading, but JM gives a great narration.  I took great joy in listening to him read Muriel's dialogue in particular.  He has a great voice for this sort of thing, and I wish he would record more audiobooks.

The one thing I took major issue with is the ending.  Up until that moment, I had seen Macon as someone clueless and a bit closed off.  But in the final few moments of the book,  I suddenly realized he was a huge jerk.  And Muriel +the ex wife are the people who had to deal with his ridiculousness.   I felt the worst for Muriel.

The ending was abrupt and for me came unexpectedly.

Even so, I really liked listening to this point.  JM was a great choice to do the reading!

Afterwards

Basic summary I pulled off of IMDB describes the movie as this:

Nathan, a brilliant New York lawyer who leads a life of professional success, but his private life is pretty dismal since he divorced Claire, his only love. Until he meets Doctor Kay, a mysterious doctor who introduces himself as a "Messenger." He claims that he can sense when certain people are about to die, and that he is sent to help them put their life in order before it's too late. Nathan doesn't believe a word of this, but soon afterwards he witnesses some disconcerting scenes which seem to confirm the doctor's claims.

That is the general premise,  but I took away more from this film.   First things first,  I really enjoyed the cinematography.  The opening scene is absolutely beautiful, with the water and the swan.   There are some scenes throughout the entire film that are visually impressive.  Loved it.

The subject matter is sad.  There are very few, if any, moments of joy in this film.  It's about death and dying though,  I didn't expect it to be cheerful.

The acting is solid overall (apart from the opening scene-  I'm sorry, but if I accidentally hit a kid with my car, I would be flipping out and inconsolable.  And if I arrived on the scene of a kid who had been hit by a fucking car,  my response would not be a calm "Jesus.  ...Call 911"  seriously??  I understand remaining calm during a crisis, but one might expect some emotion in such a scenario). 

Malkovich is wonderful as Doctor Kay.  I will say,  in one of his first moments on screen,  when he is in the park,  my heart literally did flutter for a second.   He is just so lovely.   His character about damn near gave me an anxiety attack, however.  All the talk about death,  not being able to control or know the hour of death,  etc.  STOP.  Seriously - I have enough thoughts running wild without getting into the whole mortality thing.

I also laughed during the scene where he first meets Nathan,  and randomly says "do you want me to examine you? I'm a doctor" .   He is totally serious and not trying to be creepy,  because he really is a doctor.   Um.  I'd like him to be my doctor.
And my boyfriend.

The character, I mean.  I don't want the actual John Malkovich to do any doctoring on me (boyfriend is a different story.  A 30 year age difference isn't so bad, is it??) .  Although,  if I ever trip and land on some rogue piece of scaffolding and begin bleeding profusely,  I would want him to be nearby to save the day.   And he totally would.

I found this movie strangely beautiful.   And sad.  And a little scary.   A lot scary, actually.  It brought up a lot of questions about life and death, and the idea of "messengers" on earth being able to know when a person is going to die,  was interesting.   I wonder if many people would really want to know they were going to die.   Well, we're all going to die,  but to know it is imminent is a different matter entirely.   I wouldn't want to know if it was soon.  It is stressful enough just to know that someday it will happen.

I would recommend this movie to anyone,  Malkovich fan or otherwise.  It's thought-provoking,  beautifully filmed,  sad,  and worth watching.

Changeling (contains spoilers)

Changeling is a movie about the worst nightmare I never even knew I had.  It is based on a true story, which makes it doubly horrifying.  Set in 1928 Los Angeles,  it follows Christine Collins, a single mother to a 9 year old little boy, Walter.   She works at a telephone operating office, and is inexplicably on roller skates.  If I was corny I'd say something like that's just how they rolled in the 20s, but I'm gonna control myself here.

One day, Christine is called into work unexpectedly.  On her day off.  She had promised to take Walter to the movies, and he is visibly disappointed.  See- this is why cell phones are great.  You can see who is calling you and you can choose not to answer them.  Christine could have had a day off with her son, but instead she answered the phone and had to go to work.  She leaves her nine year old child home alone.  I guess that wasn't neglect in 1928.

She is delayed on the way home when her boss stops her to offer her a promotion.  She misses her trolley and gets home late.  Predictably, she arrives to find her son missing.  Vanished without a trace.   She for some reason doesn't call the cops immediately and instead walks around her neighborhood in the damn dark.  Oh, 1928.  She gives up and calls the cops.  She is told that she has to wait 24 hours before reporting her child missing and that 99 times out of a 100, the missing child returns home.  Okay,  I know Amber Alert wasn't a thing then, but where did this guy get his statistics, because I call bullshit lol.

12 minutes into the film, Malkovich appears in the form of a pastor who is hell bent on exposing the LAPD for the corrupt mess they apparently are in this movie.  His name is Gustav, and they have styled the character's hair in a way that is unfortunate. 

Months later in Illinois, a man and a young boy are at a diner.   The man "forgets" his money and acts all shady.  He says he will go home and get some money and leaves his "son" with the owner of the diner.  The guy never comes back and the police are called. 

Back in LA,  the police contact Christine and let her know Walter has been found.  She is understandably overjoyed and rushes to the train station to meet him.  But when she gets there she is horrifed and says "That isn't my son".   The police insist to her that he is her child.  That part I don't get.   A mother knows her child.  You can't mistake your own flesh and blood. She is encouraged to take the kid home "on a trial basis" which is just so crazy I don't even know what to say.   But she does,  and she finds more and more proof that the boy isn't hers.  Even the kid's teacher agrees it isn't Walter.   It's a damn shame Maury Povich didn't exist back then, because he could have fixed that real quick.  "Christine...in the case of 9 year old Fake-Walter...you are NOT the mother!"

Christine goes back down to the police station to say that this boy isn't hers and that Walter is still missing out there.  The police chief is pissed.  Really pissed.  He feels like she is going to bring shame upon their department because they have "solved" this case, and now she's threatening to go public with the fact that they gave her an impostor child.  So, the chief of police throws her in the psych ward.   The mental hospital scenes are AWFUL.  I had a visceral reaction to some of them, even.

Meanwhile,  a police officer gets a call to investigate a child named Sanford who is in the country illegally from Canada and is staying on some ranch.   On the way to the ranch,  he passes the creepy dine-and-dash guy from earlier in the film. He totally doesn't act guilty as hell the entire time the cop interacts with him.   Once at the ranch,  the cop finds a young boy who runs from him but is eventually caught.

The child confesses a hideous story about how a man named Gordon Northcott has allowed him to stay on the ranch, but has forced him to witness and participate in some horrendous crimes.  The boy confesses to murdering or being an accomplice to murdering upwards of 20 children.  The cop is skeptical at first but then realizes the boy is telling the truth.   He identifies Walter Collins in a photo as one of the boy who was murdered.  And we all get to see the cop have an "OH SHIT" moment when he realizes that Christine was put into an asylum for no reason, and that she was right when she said they had delivered her a Not-Walter and insisted it was really him.
Pastor Malkovich saves the day and gets Christine out of that hospital.  He continues his crusade to shed light on what happened, as well as the corruption and general epic-failness of the police department in this movie.

Eventually Northcott is cot, prosecuted, and executed,  but not before he telegraphs Christine and convinces her to come see him the day before execution.  He claims he is going to confess to her what happened to her boy, but when she arrives he refuses, prompting her to go temporarily batshit insane, get in his face, and say "Did you kill my son?" about 500 times.  I'd love to see how many times the words "my son" appear in the script.

The death by hanging scene is intense.  Northcott flips out and acts ridiculous.  Seriously, you murdered 20 or so kids,  you were a serial killer before the term even existed, and now you're going to boohoo cry about being punished for your crimes?  Shut up, Northcott.

I really didn't know what to expect with this movie.  The term Changeling made me think that it would have some supernatural element to it,  so I was pleasantly surprised to find a crime drama.  Angelina Jolie is fantastic in this.  I am not very familiar with her movies,  but she was great in this.  Malkovich can do no wrong.  He's not in this a whole lot, but he can do no wrong.

The movie falls apart a bit in the last half hour or so,  but overall it is paced in a way that keeps it interesting.  The colors are interesting,  it is shot in a way that really gives it a 1920s/30s feel.   It also successfully touches on my worst fears- something happening to my child,  and imprisonment.  I have a very irrational fear of being imprisoned or hospitalized.   I do nothing to warrant either of those,  yet I feel very anxious at even the thought of it.    The scene where Sanford confesses, and another flashback scene were very upsetting to watch.   Knowing that this was based on true events makes it all the more horrifying.  I enjoyed the film, but it left me feeling sad.

Red 2

I almost never see movies in theaters.   It costs too much,  and then there is the issue of time.  When exactly would I get to do this?  I always feel like my time is better spent doing something else.
I will, of course, make an exception when it is a movie featuring John Malkovich.   I even braved a packed theater.  ME.  The most anti-social of anti-social.  I almost sat next to someone.  I placed my bag on the seat next to me so no one would sit directly beside me,  but even still,  there were strangers sitting feet away from me.  A bit distracting,  as I could hear their sniffles and coughs and ughhhh chewing sounds.  I was able, eventually, to block that out and fully immerse myself in the movie.
 
I've got to say,  the first time I saw the movie Red,  I was confused and didn't care for it all that much.  I did, however, give it a second chance recently,  and felt better about it.   I am not typically a fan of action movies,  I don't go for the "blowing stuff up, guns out, suspennnnd that disbelief, baby"  type films.  Just not usually my thing.

With that said,  I REALLY enjoyed Red 2.  It was better than the first one, by far.   I suppose this is because the first film had to work hard to establish those characters and make us (well, me) like them. I have no knowledge of the comics, so I am basing my opinions solely on the movie.  It took two viewings to grow on me.  This one I enjoyed from beginning to end.

It probably goes without saying, Marvin is my favorite character.   Malkovich does comedy quite well.  He is very funny, and I wish he would do more comedies.   My first viewing of Red left me a little sad,  as I initially felt like he should have gotten the role Bruce Willis had.  I would have preferred to see him be the hero/sexy guy etc.  as opposed to the paranoid sidekick type.  But he actually made it work.  Marvin is a likeable character.  His facial expressions and subtle humor work just as well as the over the top crap the writers threw in there.  

The other actors are fine.  I don't know much about any of them,  I think Bruce Willis is OK,  he's whatever.   I like Mary Louise-Parker as an actress,  but became very annoyed with her very annoying,  childlike character.   She appeared to have some sort of character arc near the end of the film, but then went right back to being a doe-eyed pain in the ass.  I wanted Frank or Marvin to just tell her to STFU....but neither of them ever did.   I'm not familiar with Helen Mirren at all,  but I would like to think I'd be so badass and somehow, magically, British when I'm a senior citizen.   I won't though.  By that time, I'll have 30 or so cats and have cute nicknames for each one of them.
Anthony Hopkins is in this one, playing Hannibal Lecter with Dementia.  I wasn't blown away by his performance, but he is Anthony Hopkins and he can pretty much do whatever he wants.   This wasn't some Academy Award type film,  it is a fun comedy/action,  so he is allowed to phone it in if need be.
Catherine Zeta-Jones was meh.   And was that Professor Lupin from Harry Potter playing the role of the frog?  If not, the guy seemed familiar from something.  He grossed me out though,  his mustache was creepy.  Like all mustaches are.

I especially enjoyed the scenes in London.  I was fortunate enough to travel to the UK years ago and while it looks increasingly as though I will never get back on that side of the Atlantic,  it still makes me happy to see England anywhere.

I couldn't quite understand the constant costume changes.  These people change clothes SO much!  But very much enjoyed Malkovich in the Paris scenes after he has inexplicably become Sarah's shopping buddy,  and has dressed rather fashionably.  Extremely hot.  Also the Russian uniform was nice to look at.   Malkovich in drag in the final scene,  not sure about LOL.

I'm happy I got to see this in theaters,  I have been waiting for a while and definitely found it worthy of both the time and money.  Even with all the blowing-shit-up, you-need-to-have-a-penis-to-fully-appreciate-it, testosterone-y goodness.

Warm Bodies

I forgot I didn't write anything about this one.   I got it from the redbox a while back and endeavored to watch it on a day when I took a 2 hour lunch.  I love zombie movies, but I wasn't sure how I felt about this zombie horror-comedy.  It was no Shaun of the Dead, but it wasn't unwatchable either.

I was shocked to see the kid from About a Boy all grown up and handsome!  To me he will always be Marcus with the dorky sweater and bad haircut.

I think this movie needed more Malkovich.  He is good, as he always is, but not in it enough.

The movie centers around R. who is a zombie.  I did like the voiceover from his POV, of a 'zombie' who has some recollection of being alive.  He finds and saves Julie (? Get it....like romeo and juliet...oh, clever lol) ...after eating her boyfriend and stealing his memories.  I didn't quite get this part.

I'm tired so I'm not going to really recap it further.  It was worth watching, has some cute moments,  I like the soundtrack, and the idea of the zombies being able to "come back" and be human again.  Even if it doesn't make sense when I think of every other zombie movie ever made.

I rented it for the Malkovich, but I stayed for the zombies!

Ecstasy

http://lbbonline.com/news/ecstasy-starring-john-malkovich/

Super disturbing short video starring the man himself.   I like this kind of stuff.   Language warning for those offended by curse words.

The Great Buck Howard

This one I'm on the fence about.  Parts of it are funny,  I kinda liked it,  but I just can't quite shake how much JM reminds me of Will Ferrell in this.  Something about him!  I do like him when he does comedy though.

Eleni

I've been putting this one off because it's 1:45 long and on Youtube with Greek subtitles.  But here we go.

I can tell it is super super old because of the ancient computer Malkovich is using and the tape recorder he has.  He looks cute though, so that's something.

Malkovich plays Nick, a reporter whose mother was murdered 30 years prior to the setting of this film,  in Greece, during civil war.   He wants to go back to Greece in an effort to track down her killers.

*Two days later,  I finished watching it.  I kept trying to start too late at night and would inevitably fall asleep and have to pick up the next night at the last point I remember being awake.

It is an interesting movie,  very clearly made for tv,  and the woman who plays Eleni overacts quite horrifically.   The subject matter, too,  is rather horrific and sad.   Thought-provoking.  I don't know what else to say about it.  Malkovich is fabulous in a very quiet and understated way.  He can convey so much with just his eyes and tone of voice.  This came out in 1985, so he was relatively unknown at the time and I can imagine that this role could have been one of the ones that caused people to notice him.   Definitely worth watching,  but rather sad storyline.  

Walking On Broken Glass

Watch "Annie Lennox - Walking On Broken Glass" on YouTube

I remember this video vividly from my childhood, because the powder wigs and Hugh Laurie's character freaked me out.   I love the song, I always have, and have found myself in my own 'walking on broken glass' type relationships in the past,  so listening to that song reminds me of so many different things. 

Malkovich is great in the video, but Annie Lennox overshadows him and everyone else with her awesomeness!

True West

I was finally able to watch this via YouTube, split into 10 segments.  I had a moment of horror when, after completing part 8 of 10,  I couldn't locate parts 9 or 10, but I found them.

This was Malkovich as I've never seen him before...and how I've seen him many times.  By this I mean that his character has the explosive flashes of anger that we have all seen in later characters he has played.  But, this character is different in all other ways.  He is not smooth, manipulative, charming, funny - none of those things.  His speech patterns make me think very much of Lennie, and for a while it was difficult for me to not envision him as "Lennie, if Lennie was a jerk".  

John Malkovich and Gary Sinise are magic together in this.  I can only imagine what it must have been like to see them do this onstage.  

Both their characters are wholly unlikeable much of the time.  Sinise plays Austin, who is a smug, arrogant little prick.  Malkovich plays his brother, Lee, who is a boorish, hateful alcoholic.  I want to smack them both throughout a lot of this.  But at the same time, they both have moments where I feel sorry for them, for different reasons.

There are humorous moments, and I'm still astounded that something where the primary (only) setting is the kitchen of their mother's house could remain interesting start to finish.   There are moments where I felt intensely sad for these two men.  Like, I wanted to adopt Lee, clean him up, and take him to counseling.  Okay, I still pretty much just wanted to kick Austin in the shins, but I felt sorry for him that he had been clearly terrorized by his brother.  And because his jealousy became his driving force and caused him to lose composure so spectacularly.

John Malkovich is phenomenal.  Period.  There is a scene in which Austin has been drinking a lot, and Lee appears to have sobered up at least somewhat, and it was interesting to see their dynamic shift.  

I'm so glad I found this and was able to watch it!  I watched an old JM interview not too long ago, where I believe he said he based the way he played Lee, on his own older brother.  Having now seen True West, I hope he was kidding because Lee was a terror.

The Man in the Iron Mask

I didn't even finish this overly-long film.  Malkovich is fine in it, as were the other Musketeers, really.  I vaguely remember seeing this in theaters due to friends thinking DiCaprio was omggggg soooo cuuuuute.  A phase I outgrew soon after Romeo+Juliet left theaters, thank god lol.  The times I went with friends to see Titanic, it was primarily to see that man jump/fall off the boat and bounce off a CGI propeller.  Because, I'm sorry, but that's funny.
Anyway.  This movie is overly long and boring.  I love Malkovich no matter what he does, but I hated this movie.

Valmont vs. Valmont

...I am watching the 1989 film Valmont, to see how it stacks up against Dangerous Liaisons.  Particularly, how Colin Firth's Valmont compares to Malkovich's Valmont.

So far,  I feel like I'm watching a made for tv movie.  Colin Firth is charming and has a cute smile, but he is NOT Valmont.  He is playing it almost comically.  

I don't see Faruza Balk (sp?) as anything besides that crazy chick from The Craft.  I think the woman who is playing Tourvel is extremely miscast.  Merteuil is much prettier but less cunning than Glenn Close.
And I'm just baffled to see both Elliot from ET and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off starring in this one.

Not even halfway through and I can say without hesitation that this does not compare in any way to Dangerous Liaisons. At all.  Ever.  It is neither clever nor sexy.  It's kind of boring actually.

Malkovich's Valmont is the sexiest film character of all time.  Period.

I don't really even want to finish watching this,  I want to find my copy of Dangerous Liaisons and just watch that.

Empire of the Sun

It has been a while since I saw this one, but I remember it well enough.  This is yet-another movie I have not read the book for.  I want to read it,  I just haven't obtained a copy of it yet.

Quick summary, copied and pasted from IMDB,  leaving in the email of the person who wrote it:

--------------------------------------------
Based on J. G. Ballard's autobiographical novel, tells the story of a boy, James Graham, whose privileged life is upturned by the Japanese invasion of Shanghai, December 8, 1941. Separated from his parents, he is eventually captured, and taken to Soo Chow confinement camp, next to a captured Chinese airfield. Amidst the sickness and food shortages in the camp, Jim attempts to reconstruct his former life, all the while bringing spirit and dignity to those around him. Written by Jeff Hansen <jmh@umich.edu>
--------------------------------------------

#1  -  I don't feel like Christian Bale was the right choice for this role.  Maybe that's just me.  I wanted to like this kid,  if only because his name was Jamie,  but I couldn't.  The way Bale plays him...he's just incredibly annoying.   I realize a lot of kids are, and maybe the point of the entire thing was to portray him as what he was:  a smug, spoiled, arrogant little shit of a child.  But I would imagine I was supposed to feel sympathy for him at some point, and I didn't.   Not even as he was separated from his parents.  I just felt like they should cut their losses.  Maybe have another kid who isn't such a brat next time around.

I couldn't understand why Basie kept him around,  or how Basie was able to obtain all the stuff he did.  Oh, a small part of me was a little bit thrilled knowing the main character's name was Jamie,  and I was like "yessss, gonna get to hear Malkovich say my name!"  but....he decided to only call the kid Jim.  Woe is me.

This movie was interesting.  I had never much thought about that side of World War II.   I am fascinated by that war,  but I've always put my focus onto Germany, Poland, the Russians,  etc.  Never had I given much thought to Japan.

I wanted to care what happened to Jim,  but I just didn't.  The movie drags during his stay at the camp.  Basie was the star character in my mind.  I loved that he came back at the end and was confused as to why Jim didn't go with him.  

I don't know.  I'm not a great Spielberg fan to begin with.  There, I said it.   I get that he is one of the all-time greats and so on,  but I am not in love with his films.  

I think this would have worked better with if they had cast a child that I didn't want to smack every single time he did anything at all.

Disgrace

I went looking for the novel shortly after seeing this, but my local library didn't have it.  So it is still on my to-read list, sadly.
I'll start with a short (very short) summary of the movie:

After having an affair with a student, a Cape Town professor moves to the Eastern Cape, where he gets caught up in a mess of post-apartheid politics. 


This movie made me cry.  It has a very isolated feeling throughout, and while I don't regret watching it,  I found it very sad/depressing.

I may be in the minority here,  but I found David Lurie to be a sympathetic character.  He seemed lonely and sad (not sad as in unhappy, but sad as in clueless/pathetic)  and I really did not seem him as being a predator.  The girl wasn't some high school girl.  I don't feel like she was exploited,  but certainly professional boundaries were crossed and that is wrong.   I thought the girl was stupid because she didn't say what she wanted,  she went to lunch with him, she let him come in her house, she willingly went to his house...how is she a victim of anything?   Maybe she had emotional issues, who knows?  But I did not see her as a victim and I did not see Lurie as anything more than a very lonely and maybe socially backward man looking for a connection.

The setting of the film I found frightening for reasons I can't really articulate.  Africa scares me.  Because it seems even more uncivilized than we are here.  The civil wars, the treatment of women and children,  it seems like such a dangerous place.  I enjoy travel.  I have been fortunate to travel to a few different countries.  I have a long list of place I'd love to see in this world.  Africa has never, and will never be on that list.  Plus...I mean...lions.  lol.   Lions aside,  I would be terrified to exist in a place so full of unrest and violence.

None of that has anything to do with Disgrace though.   After David is let go from his job for the relationship with a student,  he goes to the countryside to stay with his daughter for a while.  She runs some sort of animal rescue and lives alone. 

Halfway through the film,  David and his daughter are out walking some of her dogs.  When they arrive back at her farmhouse, there are three teenage boys messing with dogs who are being housed in kennels.   When questioned, they say they need to use a phone.  So the daughter takes one of the boys inside to use the phone.
But this was a trick,  and the boys then rape and assault the daughter,  rob her house,  pour gasoline onto David's face and throw a lighted match into the bathroom they've locked him in,  shoot all the dogs,  and steal her car.  Even knowing this is just a movie and not really happening,  I was very disturbed.

The remainder of the film deals with the aftermath of the attacks,  mostly with David attempting to understand the ways in which his adult daughter copes.  His character definitely changes in this film from beginning to end,  but I didn't really think he was such a terrible guy to begin with.

If I knew more about South Africa (which sadly I don't)  I might be able to say more,  as I know this movie makes some sort of statement about racial tensions in that country and maybe gender inequality as well?

All I know is that I found this film moving,  difficult to watch at times,  but it definitely had an emotional impact.

Making Mr. Right

5 minutes in:  I love this movie.  I don't usually make snap judgements like this, but it seems so quintessentially 80's and I love anything 80s.  I wish I had been old enough to appreciate the decade.  I was only 3 years old the year this movie came out (1987). 

Malkovich hasn't even appeared onscreen yet and I already love this movie.  Although I visibly cringed when the female main character got out of her car and walked across a public sidewalk barefoot.  OMG GROSS ME OUT.

Back to the movie.

Ok, a few thoughts.  I really don't know why I've never heard of this movie before?  Also,  I'm not a fan of blonde hair...even on Malkovich, apparently.  But still...if it were possible, I'd purchase a Ulysses and opt for brown hair or no hair ;)  Not sure why the filmmakers went with blonde for his look.  Also not sure why they went with blue contacts?  I suppose to make him look All-American?   Or Aryan...

I really enjoyed this movie, start to finish.  It is funny and clever and despite being totally 80s, it manages to avoid feeling dated-in-a-bad-way.   John Malkovich is so, so lovely in this one. 

I was really touched by Jeff switching places with Ulysses and going into space for 7 years for him.  I felt bad for him because he was so backward, and thought maybe this was equal parts kind gesture and escape for him.

This is an enjoyable and underrated movie :)  

Mary Reilly

I am currently about 20 minutes in to this movie and have two things to say:

1.)  So far I don't get the dismal reviews?  I like it.  I mean, it is ultra depressing and gray and kind of creepy,  but I like it.   Julia Roberts' accent not so much, but everything else is alright by me so far, except...

2.)  The flashback scene with the rat.  At the first squeak I literally jumped out of my bed in horror and flung the lamp on like it was really happening.  I often watch movies in bed on my laptop, so I was lying down and extremely calm.  Totally wasn't expecting a rat in a bag.  It creeped me out so bad.   I'm a cat person for many reasons, but one major thing I love about cats is that they are little predators and they kill/attempt to kill things that scare me. 

Ok, back to the movie.  Plot seems plain enough - some kind of modified Jekyll and Hyde story.  More from the point of view of, and about the experience of...well, Mary Reilly.  The only opinion I have of Jekyll and Hyde has to do with a haunted house I was dragged to as a child.  All I remember is a part with the doctor, he drinks a potion, and changes, and he leapt out at everyone touring the haunted house.  Scared the hell out of me.  This has nothing to do with the movie, I just thought I'd share.

Mary Reilly works as a servant for Dr. Jekyll.  I guess they don't pay her much, because she looks like a ragamuffin.  She strikes up a tentative communication with the doctor.  She has scars all over her arms and neck, and this intrigues him.  He eventually gets her to tell how they happened, which I started to mention above.  Her father locked her in a cupboard with a rat in a burlap bag.  The rat chewed his way out and then proceeded to bite her repeatedly.  Ughhh I can barely type this.  Her mother-of-the-year mom comes home to find this has happened, and takes her child away.  Not to a safe place necessarily, but to work as a servant or something.  Still, I guess child labor is better than hanta virus.  So, way to go, Mary Reilly's mom.

Dr. Jekyll listens to this story with the appropriate amount of horror in his facial expression.  Because...seriously?  Rat in a burlap bag is now in my top 10 most terrifying ways to get a scar, ever.

By the way, I'm watching the rest of this movie with the lamp on.

Jekyll abruptly excuses himself to his laboratory.  He pronounces it the fancy way "la-bore-a-tory" not "labratory".   I like that.  He's upscale.

Mary Reilly is intriguing Dr. Jekyllovich by telling about how her father seemed like 2 people -ooh, foreshadowing!  Honey, that's called split personality disorder.  He asks her to deliver a letter and asks her some weird questions and she looks at him kinda like he may be crazy. 

Oh look, it's Glenn Close.  What is with the horrid accents in this movie?  She appears to run a brothel.  The ladies of the night are looking at Mary Reilly and laughing at her.  Probably because she needs some makeup and she has the bangs of a 4 year old.

The letter Mary delivered was one asking if Jekyll's "assistant" can live in the brothel.  Why sure.  Mary is asking too many damn questions about this assistant.  Jekyll is regretting becoming her friend already. 

Now Mary is planting the ugliest garden I have ever seen.  Seriously. I don't appreciate her effort, that is a mess.  Maybe if she wasn't so busy creeping on Mr. Hyde.  Sexy, murderous Mr. Hyde.

I'm sure Mary's roommate appreciates having to share not just a room but also a bed with her, while she relives her horrible childhood in her dreams night after night.  Seriously, Jekyll?  You live on sprawling estate,  you can't spring for a bunk bed in the servant's quarters?

Now she's up out of bed snooping and Mr. Hyde is about to come shambling on in.

She just found a receipt marked "blood money".  Hee.

Ohh Jesus, she is creeping down to his lab, barefoot.  If there is one thing I have learned from suspense films and being alive,  it is do NOT go anywhere without shoes besides bed and the beach.  Certainly don't go traipsing down to a mad scientist's lab without the appropriate footwear.  Conclusion:  Mary Reilly is a dumbass.

His lab is a scary place.  There are beakers, chains, and some creepy suspension catwalk thing.  Now a kid is screaming and Mr. Hyde is handing over a check to...maybe the kid's mother?  Ugh.   As he begins to come back toward the main house, Matlock Reilly: Supersleuth hauls ass to get out of there but then decides it would be smarter to hide under a table and breathe loud as hell.  She's so dumb.  I hope he discovers her and KICKS HER IN THE FACE.  But he doesn't.  He knows she is there and cooly tells her to go home and close the door behind her.

The next morning.  He staggers out of the lab and he, too is missing 1/2 of his appropriate footwear.  He has a sprained ankle he says.  I like how Dr. Jekyll has wavy hair while Mr. Hyde has long flowing, Professor Snape hair.  That's how we know they aren't the same guy!  Mary attempts to help him up, when Mr. Pool the...groundskeeper or head butler or something, yells at her and tells her to light the bedroom fire.  Only I heard "go on and light the bed on fire".  This is not the first time I misheard tonight. Earlier in the film, Mary's shitty accent made it sound like she said 'Mr. Poo'.  I giggled out loud.Because I'm 9.

Mr. Pool seems to be enjoying undressing Jekyll a little too much.  I don't blame him, but still.  Mr. Pool yells at Mary because he feels she is overstepping her job as a maid.  He even points at her and wags his finger.  He means business, ok?

Mary is getting his room ready and Jekyll is lying in his bed looking very pitiful.  He has a conversation with her about fears.  He asks if she is afraid of herself.  Jekyll, stop projecting.  I'm afraid of you both right now.  She leaves him after he spends a few more moments talking about how poorly he feels, even doing the "sick voice" that everyone in the world does when they want to seem super ill.

Next scene:  he wakes Mary up in the middle of the night and says he has something he needs her to do.  Oooerr.
He sends her out in the middle of the night, to deliver a letter to the brothel.  Because that's safe.  Again, Mary is stupid.  Even Glenn Close's character hates her, she smacks her into the brothel and yells at her.  Turns out she is pissed because Mr. Hyde murdered one of her prostitutes and left a bloody mess all over the room.  If you're going to kill your prostitute, at least clean up.  There is even the fakest-looking fake blood on the ceiling.  And there is a dead rat in the middle of the bed.  Nice. 

When Mary returns home, Mr. Poo(l) yells at her some more.  Then Jekyll yells at her. Mary has full access to Jekyll's library,  I think she needs to look at some self-help books.  But instead she would rather snoop through his personal things, and now Mr. Hyde is standing right behind her.  Aaand here is the whisper "Mary Reilly...." that I remember from the commercials for this movie when I was a kid!  I always remembered that whisper, but had no idea what this movie was, or who was in it.

Conclusion #2:  Mr. Hyde is sexier than Dr. Jekyll.  Except for that whole "murder and dismembering" part.  He is reminding me just slightly of Valmont in this scene.
Next morning:  Jekyll apologizes for Mr. Hyde being a bit of a dick the night before, and then suggests that Mary and Hyde run an errand together.  So they do.  Besties!

Later on, Glenn Close shows up and wants to speak to Jekyll.  Mary brings her to him and he comes out of his office looking fucking crazy.  He is giving her the crazy eyes that I give my daughter when I have had "E-NOUGH!!"   Presently Mary hears glass shatter,  so she goes in to snoop.  Only she's not very good at it, or she would notice Mr. Hyde and a very bloody Glenn Close in the foreground.  Um yeah, so the scene just ended.  I don't think we will be seeing Glenn Close anymore in this film.

In the morning Mary goes to wake up Jekyll and finds Mr. Hyde instead.  He attempts to apologize to her for his behavior, but apologies are his weakness and he instead decides to shatter a teacup with his bare hands.  Part of the cup lodges in his palm and he pulls it out with his teeth.  Alright, Malkovich.  You can do no wrong by me, but that scene made my insides flip in bad way.  Judging by how I can see white on the top and bottom of Mary's eyes, I'd say she is pretty freaked out.  He wipes blood across her face and she says nothing.  He asks "don't you know who I am?"  It is kind of a sad scene actually.

Mary's mother dies.  Mary goes to collect the body.  She is led to where the body is by what appears to be some sort of hobbit.  The little bastard has stored her mother in some kind of cupboard.  He also sold all her mother's things to make up for unpaid rent.  Jerk.

Now Mary is going somewhere in a heavy fog.  Here comes Mr. Hyde.  Probably up to some shenanigans.  He grabs her and they disappear into an alleyway.  Police were chasing him and he has blood all over his sleeve.  He tells Mary she will never see him again, and then kisses her.  Pretty jealous of you, Mary Reilly.

But when she returns home,  the police are waiting for her.  They interrogate her in front of everyone, and have crime scene evidence on the dining room table.  What kind of police force is this?  We then learn that Mr. Hyde beat some man to death.  The police want to search the lab, and Mary behaves in a way that is totally not suspicious at all.

Then she goes and has a long talk with Jekyll where she finally figures out that he and Mr. Hyde are the same person.  Because the fact that they both look and sound just like John Malkovich and were never seen in the same place at once didn't give that one away.  When he realizes he has been found out, he runs away lol.

And...here comes Mary's father.  He shows up at the mom's funeral.  Mary finally grows a pair and walks away from him for good.  That's the first time I've almost liked Mary this entire film.

In the morning Mr. Hyde is in the bed instead of Jekyll.  And he's in a foul mood.  Mary is so stupid that she tells him she's going to "raise the alarm".  He stops her for a moment and then she stupidly tries to run out.  He tells her the whole story of how he came to be.  He probably shouldn't have told her that there is an antidote that makes him go away, because now she's in the lab looking for it.  She brought it to him and now Jekyll is back.  He is all out of sorts because he has no more antidote.  He has locked himself in his lab.  Mary walks in the lab and hears bawling, presumably Jekyll.  She doesn't bother to find out because she is a terrible friend.

Then she goes to her room and packs all her belongings.  Loyalty:  you fail at that too,  Mary Reilly.

She returns to the lab once more and I can tell something major will happen because of the music.  And because there are only 10 minutes left in the film.

She is walking on the creepy suspended catwalk, and the scene is very quiet.  Suddenly a hand reaches up and grabs her leg and I jumped a mile for the 2nd time in this film.  Awesome.  It was Hyde of course, and he is pissed off.  Brandishing a knife, breaking glass and everything.  Then he calms down because she is petting his face.  Okay then.  But then he resentfully says "I always knew you'd be the death of us."

Oh my god then there is the grosssssesssst transformation scene of Hyde back to Jekyll.  I wasn't expecting that.  I actually looked away like I was watching real life.  Hyde injected his/their(?) body with antidote mixed with poison.  To change back to Jekyll, end the whole thing, and for some reason to spare Mary Reilly even though she doesn't deserve it.  Dr. Jekyll dies and it is a quite sad scene.  Mary lays with his dead body because she's creepy.

Then she leaves.  Presumably to go destroy some other lives.

I actually liked this movie very much.  I wasn't sure what to think of Julia Roberts in this sort of role though.   Malkovich is good as Jekyll and fantastic as Hyde.  I liked the dark and foreboding feeling of this film, spooky soundtrack, and especially that it produced two genuine scares out of me!

  

The Portrait of a Lady (1996)

I really like the opening sequence and creepy pan flute type music.  I especially liked the title of the movie appearing in fancy script written across the palm of a woman's hand.  First thought: that is the type of script I wanted one of my tattoos written in.  Sadly what happened instead was this weird cursive/print hybrid that makes me mad every time I look at it.

First scene:  all I had to do was look at Nicole Kidman's hair and I laughed.  But now I feel guilty, because her character is sad and has been crying. 

-------------------------------------------------------

Immediately after that,  I put my phone down and began to focus on the movie.  I'm not going to post a synopsis, if you are reading this you have probably seen it.  There are really good summaries of it all over the internet. 

I hated this movie.  H-A-T-E-D.  I-T.  I wanted to like it!  Some parts of it were quite beautiful, and I have no issue with any of the acting.  But all the characters were absolute jerks, save for Pansy and that guy who liked her. They seemed like the only two genuine characters.  Every other person seemed to have an ulterior motive of some kind, some more sinister than others.  Except Isabel Archer,  who was, to put it mildly, a total moron.  Nicole Kidman did a great job of playing her, but the character is completely and utterly stupid.  

Malkovich plays Osmond,  who is a pretty bad guy.  Male equivalent of a gold digger.  Lazy, controlling, temperamental, full of himself.   But, I can see why Isabel fell for him, because he was oh, so sexy.  I got chills during the scene with the parasol.  I don't even like facial hair, and I was able to overlook the beard he had throughout the film.  In fact,  Malkovich is the only man I can think of who I think is super sexy with facial hair.  It is difficult to pull off.

And that is because Malkovich possesses a higher level of sex appeal than other men. 

His character was still a huge jerk. 

This is not a "romance" film, everyone ends up miserable.  I was also very weirded out by Isabel's cousin having a thing for her.  Were people just gross in that era?

I didn't understand the use of her fortune, she wasted it all on Osmond (but at least she got her fugly hairstyle fixed!).  There is so much more she could have done with her money.

I wanted very much to like this movie, but the truth is, I fell asleep twice, and the characters were all despicable.

It is visually quite pretty and interesting.  The actors are all very good, but they play such terrible people.

I realize that this seems hypocritical coming from me when my favorite JM film is Dangerous Liaisons.  The difference is that in Dangerous Liaisons,  the "bad" characters seem like they have a shot at redemption.  Even Glenn Close, when it becomes evident that she loved Valmont.  And I do think she loved him. God help me,  I found her sympathetic in a few scenes.  And Valmont certainly undergoes a change of heart late in the film.  I like the horrible people in Dangerous Liaisons.   I just wanted to smack everyone in Portrait of a Lady.

Although Osmond...again, quite sexy.  I don't see why Isabel married him though when he was very clearly hook-up material only.

The Glass Menagerie

I watched this a few weeks ago, so it is not fresh in my mind, but I really liked it.
The opening scene is compelling,  with Malkovich going into an abandoned apartment building.  It becomes very apparent that this was once his home.  His character makes some very sad, but beautiful observations as he begins the narrative which he calls a memory play.

When the story really starts, he is still in the apartment, but it is earlier times.  He lives with his mom, who is completely crazy,  and his sister, Laura, who needs some Xanax.

The movie centers mostly around Laura and mother's strained relationship.  Their mother is extremely overbearing, yet appears to mean well.  She is just...too much.  She becomes obsessed with finding her daughter a "gentleman caller" ...I laughed because I use this term ironically if I'm seeing a guy...The mother's reasoning is that...she is getting older, and she fears for her child after she is gone.  She thinks a husband will ensure her daughter's future.

She is also hyper critical of her son, Tom (Malkovich) which he resents.  She appears to want to micro-manage her adult children.  One might ask why they are still living with her,  but the answer is really clear.  Laura cannot function as a normal adult human being,  and Tom feels obligated.  And resentful.

There are a couple spectacular shows of anger and frustration,  and I feel like nobody does anger on-screen like John Malkovich.  Nobody.  He is so talented,  it's hard to fake anger and have it seem believable. 

Every time his character has an angry outburst, he ends it by "going to the movies" - I got the feeling that it's implied he is really going out to drink, but it is never stated outright, so maybe I'm just thinking what I want to think. I would suppose Tom wouldn't disclose where he's really going if he went to a bar because his mother was nuts.  He has dreams of escaping his life, leaving his family, joining the army and he later discloses a plan to leave the family to pursue adventures of his own.

Eventually his mother convinces him to set his sister up on a "date" with a guy from work.

The mom makes a HUGE deal over the "gentleman caller" coming to dinner.   She is dressed to the nines like he is coming to see her instead of Laura,  has the house all straightened up,  dinner cooked, and so on.  Laura flips out and is all nervous and won't answer the door.  She proceeds to act like she has something wrong with her during the visit.   After a while, the power goes out,  because Tom didn't pay the bill.

The "gentleman caller" and Laura go into the living room together and they have candlelight since her jerk brother didn't pay the light bill.   They talk a long time and it seems like maybe something is starting between them.  It turns out they knew each other vaguely in high school and she had a crush on him.  I think they kiss (?)  I honestly can't remember.   Then he drops the bomb that he is engaged to be married.  NICE.   She gives him a glass unicorn from her glass animal collection - her glass menagerie ohhh-  as a parting gift.   Funny,  I would have given him slap as a parting gift,  but everyone is different.  Besides, how is he going to explain a random glass unicorn to his fiance? 

The mom is all pissed off because she feels like Tom brought an engaged guy to the house on purpose.  Tom leaves, and does not return home until the moment where he is touring the now-empty apartment and remembering.

Something that seemed implied to me,  but is also not stated outright (in the film, anyway...I've never read or seen the play and am wholly unfamiliar with it beyond this movie) - does the apartment burn on the night that Tom storms out?   The way he says "Blow out your candles"  and seems so sad about having left his family.   Is that why?   In my mind that is what I imagine happening.  The night he leaves,  maybe the mother or sister falls asleep with the candles burning,  and the apartment caught fire?   It may be something that is SO obvious, but since it isn't plainly said,  I don't know.

This film has such sad, lonely, and unfulfilled undertones.  I think most people can relate to feeling that way at some point in life.  I enjoyed the film for the fact that it was interesting, this glimpse into a family that is dysfunctional like all the rest of our families.  It is a bit over-acted,  by all involved,  but not terribly so.  I really liked watching it. 

In the Line of Fire

Another one I have absolutely nothing sarcastic or snarky to say about.   Well, aside from it appearing very dated while still in the modern world.  If that even makes sense - it is not a period piece,  yet anything that was created in the 90s feels so, so old now.  Which makes me feel so, so old :(
There were a few times while watching this where I thought "If that were happening now, Mitch Leary would be traced so quickly.  Anonymous would have taken care of him days ago."

He would have been communicating his threats via Reddit or something.
*note,  I do not actually use Reddit and am totally unfamiliar with the site,  but it is late and I am struggling to think of something clever to say.   Really that's no different from any other time of the day though lol.

I really enjoyed this movie.  Clint Eastwood is fantastic in it.  John Malkovich is fantastic in it - am I going to say anything different about him?  If I'm being fair,  while he is a great actor and I feel like he is incapable of a "bad" performance...some of his movies are better than others.   But some of his characters are better written than others,  I think, is the main thing to take away from that.   I know Mitch Leary was a terrible person,  but he was also terribly compelling,  and Malkovich played him extremely well.   I loved all the phone conversations and the eventual face to face encounter with Eastwood. 

The story is straightforward enough for even someone like me to follow without little question marks appearing all around my head.   I appreciate that in a film!   Straightforward,  highly engaging,  well acted, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.

Um.  Except the very ending and that random conversation about brown pigeons vs. white pigeons.  Who are you,  Clint Eastwood,  to judge a pigeon's actions and reaction times based on the color of his or her feathers?   That's just going too far.

GREAT film though.  I can't believe I had never seen it before.  Might have something to do with me being elementary school age when it came out!

Places in the Heart

First I'm borrowing a synopsis written by another person,  so I will leave in their email address as a credit.  I looked the movie up on IMDB and their synopsis was the best one.   As a side note: this movie came out the year I was born!

Okay, synopsis:

 Set in 1935 Waxahachie, Texas, PLACES IN THE HEART tells a story -- not unlike the familiar story told by the film "It's A Wonderful Life" -- of the delicate balance one life can exert upon so many others. When Sheriff Royce Spalding is accidentally killed by a drunken gunman, his wife, Edna, is suddenly thrust into the role of provider for her two small children, Frank and Possum. Then "Mose," an out-of-work black man begging for every meal in the racist South of the Depression era, happens along with a scheme to plant cotton on her forty acres. It is the only chance Edna has to keep her family together. Meanwhile, Mr. Denby, of the bank which owns the mortgage on the farm, is quick to extend a "hand of charity" to Mrs. Spalding by depositing his blind brother-in-law (Mr. Will) with her for safekeeping. Margaret, Edna's sister and a local "beauty operator," is unable to provide much help; her beauty shop is all that stands between herself, her philandering husband, and a small daughter on one side and poverty on the other. A tornado offers their first challenge. Emerging from the storm cellar, blind Mr. Will asks "How bad is it?" "Well," Mose responds, "everything's a little bent, but it's still here." Next, the bottom falls out of the cotton market and Edna's only chance to make the mortgage payment is that she be first to bring her crop to the cotton mill and claim the $100 first prize for doing so. In her way is the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan which objects to Mose's efforts to best a white man to the prize money. In spite of the church setting of the final scene of the film, it seems karmic in its implications. Written by Mark Fleetwood <mfleetwo@mail.coin.missouri.edu>

Now, with that out of the way...

I have no snarky comments whatsoever about this movie.  No attempt whatsoever at being funny.  Granted,  I'm not even funny when I try,  but this movie deserves no attempt at humor. 
I really enjoyed it.  The acting, from the entire cast, is superb.  Even the child actors were great.

Malkovich, being the reason I chose this movie,  of course stood out to me.  I thought he did a wonderful job of playing a blind man and I forgot that I was even watching "MALKOVICH" - I believed him,  I believed he was this blind guy.   I cared about his character,  and the others.  

With that said...movies set in this general time period evoke some strange, almost visceral response from me.  I can't quite articulate it,  but films, books, et cetera that are set in rural Southern towns from this time period,  or even as far back as slavery times...I almost feel a sense of unexplainable disgust.  Just....the way the people dress, behave, speak,  the music they listen to,  the rural setting itself...like I said,  I can't explain it,  but I physically recoil.   Maybe I lived in this time during a past life lol.   It makes no sense to me,  but I get cold chills watching anything set around these decades.

It is weird how certain eras when one was not even alive,  can provoke such strong reactions.  I gravitate toward anything to do with WWII.   I love anything to do with that era.  I am that way to some extent about the 60s.   I enjoy history generally speaking, but the deep South,  slavery times and into the Depression era,  I find profoundly disturbing for no reason in particular.

I live in North Carolina,  and a little over a year ago,  I toured an old plantation home and the grounds with my child.  I felt that way there.  We viewed the slaves quarters, the farm land,  and the actual plantation home,  and I felt unsettled the entire time.   Weird!

Anyway -  Places in the Heart is a lovely film.  It has very sad moments,  and a shocking beginning.  It shocked me, at least.   I'm surprised that the movie has been out as long as I've been alive yet I am just now seeing it, at 28 years of age.   I'm very pleased that I got to see it :)

 




 






     











 

Con Air

I must subconsciously be trying to knock all these "guy movies" out of the way...RED, Transformers, now Con Air?  The only Con Air I have real feelings for is my hair dryer.

I saw Con Air years and years ago purely because of Malkovich.  It wasn't my kind of film then and probably still isn't, but you know what?  I'm dedicated to my project!

Ok, starting it...now...

OH NO not the 90's anthem..."how do I liiiiive without you?"  ... how did I live through the popularity of that terrible song?

Why is Nick Cage talking like Colonel Sanders?   My favorite Nicolas Cage movie is the one where he's the suicidal alcoholic in Las Vegas.   I couldn't watch some of the scenes because I hate vodka and I could almost smell it through the tv.   Ughh.

Back to the movie.  He is a soldier who just came home and he and his pregnant wife are apparently celebrating his return in some dive bar.   A guy comes up and bothers them, but Nick Cage ignores him.  Then they go to leave.  It is raining.  Is it monsoon season where ever this is set?  That is like no rain I have ever witnessed.  And now a gang of white guys want to beat up Nick Cage.  This will not end nicely.  And...it doesn't.  One guy pulls a knife and Nick Cage shoots him, as you do.  The guy is dead.  Nick Cage pleads guilty and gets 7-10 years because apparently his hands are deadly weapons and he should have used those instead of a firearm.

He's in prison now.  Writing sappy letters.  Gettin' buff.  No big deal.  His wife sent him a care package that included "Cooler Ranch Doritos".   I loved those chips.

He corresponds with his little girl from prison and somehow they manage to make it seem endearing.  Nick is learning Spanish, he's using his time in prison wisely.  I hope his Spanish accent is better than his "Southern" one.  We don't talk like that! 

Now he's learning origami.

He just wrote a letter to "his hummingbird" to say he's getting out of prison and coming home "forevuh".  No, seriously, I live in the South, and we don't talk like Foghorn Leghorn!

He has a heartwarming conversation with his cell mate.  I guess it was supposed to be heartwarming.  I've been too busy staring at Nick Cage's homeless man hair to really make an informed decision.

The prisoners who are being transferred via airplane.  There is an official giving a speech and he is saying how the plane is going to be transporting the worst of the worst, in his words.  Oh dear.  The plane is called The Jailbird. Hee.

Oh hell here comes the violent offender bus.  They're putting an undercover policeman on the plane. They want to get information from a prisoner onboard.  Man they've got a lot of manpower to transport these prisoners. 

15 minutes in, here is Malkovich.  Cyrus the Virus is a jerk.  But so good looking.  Kidnapping, murder, spending half your life in prison, being criminally insane?  Well...nobody's perfect. 

Dave Chappelle is in this?  Awesome.

Nick Cage comes off the bus and onto the plane looking like Jesus Christ.  The cop took the picture of his daughter and was quite rude about it.  I'm not sure he should have done that.

This is the 2nd time I have tried to post this and had my post lost beyond the point of that last line.   I will simply say that loading a ton of dangerous criminals onto an airplane where the police are not armed and are also monumentally stupid,  is not really a good idea.   They all get free, and predictably things do not end well for many of the characters.

Malkovich was great in his role.  While I prefer him as "nicer" characters,  I do think he does criminal mastermind/angry/detached/aloof really well.  He can do anything though.

Steve Buscemi as the offbrand Hannibal Lecter was very off putting.  Buscemi is scary anyway.  He is the stuff of nightmares.  The scene of him with the little kid freaked me out. 

Honestly I kind of liked parts of this movie the 2nd time around.  Is it cinematic masterpiece?  Hell no.  Is it thought-provoking?  No.   But it had some funny parts,  and um,  Malkovich.

Also the way Nick Cage's character pronounces the word bunny is entertaining.  "Bunneh"  - And it must be said,  that bunny had some good scenes.  He was pretty much my favorite character.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Disclaimer...I know nothing about transformers.   I think it was a toy or cartoon when I was little, but that type of stuff didn't hold my interest,  I liked cartoons about talking animals and stuff like that lol.

I can't really get into this and have only been half-watching it so far.  My man just came onscreen though so I'll watch.  I lol'd at his "W-T-F to thaat?"  line.  

"No toolery". Haha.  I love his fake tan in the pictures of himself on his desk. 

I just burst out laughing over the Asian guy pulling two guns on that...weird bird thing?  And it tossed him out the window.  Lesson learned: don't draw your weapon on a weird electronic bird.

Something else I've learned:  Shia LaBeouf has come a long way since Even Stevens.  I barely recognized him.

I still don't understand this movie though.  What is an autobot?  What is a septicon?  All I hear in that is "septic" which does not evoke pleasant imagery.  Wait, Discepticon?  That makes more sense.

Is Optimus Prime like the godfather of all the transformers?   I don't know,  I'm fast-forwarding until I see John again.   Oh wait, they got Bill O'Reilly for this?  I didn't know he had a sense of humor!

Ahaha they just quoted Tommy Boy <3.

I just fast-forwarded a long time and now the entire movie seems to have been taken over by CGI EVERYTHING.   I don't know what happened to Malkovich.  Did his character get killed?

Sorry - I just am not a fan of movies like this,  I tried to watch it...

RED

So Bruce Willis is a former...what?  Spy?  Assassin?  CIA agent.  Something like that.  He is adjusting to normal life and for some reason pretends to not receive his retirement check, so he can keep calling to flirt with the girl assigned to his account.  Weird.

One night masked intruders try to kill him but Bruce Willis is a badass, so he kills them instead and then makes it look like his house has had shots fired inside, by heating up a pan of bullets on the stove. Lol.
So out of the darkness, more masked intruders riddle his house with bullets.  This is not the type of movie I usually see.  Bruce hides in the house and somehow takes out an entire team of men with assault rifles.  Oh, he only has a handgun btw.   Was he dreaming the whole thing?  I don't understand.

Ok new scene, the girl that he likes.  She just had a date who she is very bitchy to.  Also, she is drunk.

Um.  Bruce Willis is in her apartment.  She is threatening him with candles.  This is not creepy, weird, or stupid at all. 

He tells her they have been under surveillance and that the assassins want to kill her too,  even though he has never met her prior to this.   She calls bullshit, so he does what any man would do, and duct tapes her mouth and kidnaps her.  I think it is supposed to be funny, but is totally stupid instead. 

Where is Malkovich anyway.  He's the only reason I'm watching this total guy movie.

They're in New Orleans now.  I love New Orleans. 

He un duct tapes her mouth, only to tape it again.  Then he leaves.  You're kind of a douche, Bruce Willis.

Oh now here is Morgan Freeman.  In an old folk's home, flirting with a nurse.  He knows Bruce, I guess from the CIA.  He informs Bruce that some South African hit team is after him.   That kind of stuff always happens. 

The girl got away from Bruce's hotel room trap and calls 911.  A member of the hit team poses as a cop and drugs her, tries to kidnap her.  But of course Bruce saves the day.  Then, car chase, shootout in the streets.  Just a totally normal day in the french quarter, which is totally devoid of cars or people. 

Now they are in NYC.  What's her name is being a real bitch.  She even made a snotty remark about Bruce being bald.  I would leave her in the middle of Chinatown and be done. 

I'm over this plot.  I guess it is supposed to be a comedy?  I don't know and I don't care.  I just want to see John Malkovich.   It has been 30 minutes.  Enough already.  Blah blah spy stuff.  Blah. Sleuthing.  Investig-blahh.  STFU.  I'm ABOUT TO FAST-FORWARD THIS.  Such a guy movie.  You would totally have to have a penis to follow this and/or enjoy it.

I've made a decision to fast forward this testosterone-filled disaster until I see John.  These are the terms I have set.

Ok 31 minutes in.  Where the fuck are they now?  The bayou??  Bruce and the girl are on a red boat.  And they have arrived at a shitty houseboat thing.   Here we are, 32 minutes in, and we now have a very paranoid Malkovich wearing camo, like the kind of camo with leaves and stuff?  And has a gun.  Because it is a requirement in films like this one,  that if you have a penis, you must possess a firearm, preferably one of the automatic army-type variety.  Ooookay then.  Still...it's Malkovich.  Gonna have an open mind now.

PLAY.

He has a decoy house.  My man!  He lives in a bunker and the entrance is disguised as a piece of shit car.  That'd do it.

Quotable quotes:  "I could...feel their eyes on me.  Wet.  Like peaches."    I lol'd.

The girl's name is Sarah.  Malkovich's character wants to get rid of her.  He knows a place with 'lots of alligators'.  I have to agree.  It's for the best.  But no, Bruce Willis likes her, so they can't feed her to alligators.

Now they are in Mobile, Alabama.  I don't understand.  Malkovich is carrying a stuffed pig, and he just randomly accosted some woman.  He has her by the hair and I'm a bit jealous.  Oh wait, he's pointing a gun at her now.  There's a fine line between sexy and scary,  I am no longer jealous of her lol.   Bruce talks his crazy friend off the ledge and he dejectedly says "She was following us..." and then goes off to pout.  I kind of want to give him a hug, but I would likely get shot.

Um now they are at the airport and shots are being fired.  Normal everyday thing.  I don't have enough testosterone to process this.

Some red haired girl shot at them and then said something like "that's right old man".  Ageist.

Now there's like...grenades (?), and things are blowing up, and just....guy stuff.  Fire, bullets, kaboom, etc.
I think they just blew all the bad guys sky high?
Malkovich just killed the ginger bitch who called him old.  I know that's right. 

Then they GTFO as cops arrive.  They escape in a minivan.  Like a Bossssssss. 

John Malkovich is so much more attractive than Bruce.  Just making an observation.  He should have gotten the lead role and they could have let Bruce play the paranoid crazy guy.  Maybe I would like this movie better.

Now they are going to talk to some Russians.  Wait, what?   Sarah is all worried about Bruce.  She has known him like 2 days and he kidnapped her.  I know he has charisma and all, but seriously.  There's some painfully long chat with a Russian man.  I have no idea what's going on.  It appears everyone got new identities.  Sarah is now Shaniqua.  Hee.  Bruce is in a uniform and looks rather nice.

Sarah/Shaniqua is a fucking dork.  She asks Bruce what the punishment might be for what they're doing (what ARE they doing?)...he answers death or life in prison, and she grins and exclaims "awesome!".  What the fuuuck.  She is stupid.

Some more stuff happens.  Bruce has a fight while some 80s rock type song plays.  There is blood and punching.  Then gunfire, of course.  The building goes into lockdown but Bruce and Sarah escape.  Also they blow up part of the building with household materials.  Bruce poses as a firefighter (hot),  and now here is Malkovich again, posing as an ambulance driver and looking very unhappy.  He has a nosebleed.  Welcome to my life during pollen season.  The nosebleeds, I mean.  Not posing as an ambulance driver.

Ohh okay so Morgan Freeman's character is alive after all.  They made it seem like he died a while back.  Malkovich seems ticked about this. 

Now they are all somewhere called the eagles nest.  Is he visiting his mom or something?  I have no idea.

Now.....I have no idea what they're doing.  Some undercover shit.  Now the FBI is everywhere.  Morgan Freeman got shot.  I guess he is for real dead now.
Stupid Sarah just fell down a hill and the FBI surrounded her. 

Some more stuff happens. They are at some big fancy event.  I don't even....ugh another car chase.  The cars pass over a place on the road that says "stop".   That's how I feel about this movie.  Getting real sick of your shit, RED.

There's not enough Malkovich in this for me to put up with so much nonsense.  He would need to be in every scene to make this tolerable.

I've got 12 minutes to go, but Amazon Prime sucks and the stream keeps freezing. I assume Bruce Willis and Sarah are reunited.  She probably makes a witty remark, and I bet they kiss.  The end.