RED

So Bruce Willis is a former...what?  Spy?  Assassin?  CIA agent.  Something like that.  He is adjusting to normal life and for some reason pretends to not receive his retirement check, so he can keep calling to flirt with the girl assigned to his account.  Weird.

One night masked intruders try to kill him but Bruce Willis is a badass, so he kills them instead and then makes it look like his house has had shots fired inside, by heating up a pan of bullets on the stove. Lol.
So out of the darkness, more masked intruders riddle his house with bullets.  This is not the type of movie I usually see.  Bruce hides in the house and somehow takes out an entire team of men with assault rifles.  Oh, he only has a handgun btw.   Was he dreaming the whole thing?  I don't understand.

Ok new scene, the girl that he likes.  She just had a date who she is very bitchy to.  Also, she is drunk.

Um.  Bruce Willis is in her apartment.  She is threatening him with candles.  This is not creepy, weird, or stupid at all. 

He tells her they have been under surveillance and that the assassins want to kill her too,  even though he has never met her prior to this.   She calls bullshit, so he does what any man would do, and duct tapes her mouth and kidnaps her.  I think it is supposed to be funny, but is totally stupid instead. 

Where is Malkovich anyway.  He's the only reason I'm watching this total guy movie.

They're in New Orleans now.  I love New Orleans. 

He un duct tapes her mouth, only to tape it again.  Then he leaves.  You're kind of a douche, Bruce Willis.

Oh now here is Morgan Freeman.  In an old folk's home, flirting with a nurse.  He knows Bruce, I guess from the CIA.  He informs Bruce that some South African hit team is after him.   That kind of stuff always happens. 

The girl got away from Bruce's hotel room trap and calls 911.  A member of the hit team poses as a cop and drugs her, tries to kidnap her.  But of course Bruce saves the day.  Then, car chase, shootout in the streets.  Just a totally normal day in the french quarter, which is totally devoid of cars or people. 

Now they are in NYC.  What's her name is being a real bitch.  She even made a snotty remark about Bruce being bald.  I would leave her in the middle of Chinatown and be done. 

I'm over this plot.  I guess it is supposed to be a comedy?  I don't know and I don't care.  I just want to see John Malkovich.   It has been 30 minutes.  Enough already.  Blah blah spy stuff.  Blah. Sleuthing.  Investig-blahh.  STFU.  I'm ABOUT TO FAST-FORWARD THIS.  Such a guy movie.  You would totally have to have a penis to follow this and/or enjoy it.

I've made a decision to fast forward this testosterone-filled disaster until I see John.  These are the terms I have set.

Ok 31 minutes in.  Where the fuck are they now?  The bayou??  Bruce and the girl are on a red boat.  And they have arrived at a shitty houseboat thing.   Here we are, 32 minutes in, and we now have a very paranoid Malkovich wearing camo, like the kind of camo with leaves and stuff?  And has a gun.  Because it is a requirement in films like this one,  that if you have a penis, you must possess a firearm, preferably one of the automatic army-type variety.  Ooookay then.  Still...it's Malkovich.  Gonna have an open mind now.

PLAY.

He has a decoy house.  My man!  He lives in a bunker and the entrance is disguised as a piece of shit car.  That'd do it.

Quotable quotes:  "I could...feel their eyes on me.  Wet.  Like peaches."    I lol'd.

The girl's name is Sarah.  Malkovich's character wants to get rid of her.  He knows a place with 'lots of alligators'.  I have to agree.  It's for the best.  But no, Bruce Willis likes her, so they can't feed her to alligators.

Now they are in Mobile, Alabama.  I don't understand.  Malkovich is carrying a stuffed pig, and he just randomly accosted some woman.  He has her by the hair and I'm a bit jealous.  Oh wait, he's pointing a gun at her now.  There's a fine line between sexy and scary,  I am no longer jealous of her lol.   Bruce talks his crazy friend off the ledge and he dejectedly says "She was following us..." and then goes off to pout.  I kind of want to give him a hug, but I would likely get shot.

Um now they are at the airport and shots are being fired.  Normal everyday thing.  I don't have enough testosterone to process this.

Some red haired girl shot at them and then said something like "that's right old man".  Ageist.

Now there's like...grenades (?), and things are blowing up, and just....guy stuff.  Fire, bullets, kaboom, etc.
I think they just blew all the bad guys sky high?
Malkovich just killed the ginger bitch who called him old.  I know that's right. 

Then they GTFO as cops arrive.  They escape in a minivan.  Like a Bossssssss. 

John Malkovich is so much more attractive than Bruce.  Just making an observation.  He should have gotten the lead role and they could have let Bruce play the paranoid crazy guy.  Maybe I would like this movie better.

Now they are going to talk to some Russians.  Wait, what?   Sarah is all worried about Bruce.  She has known him like 2 days and he kidnapped her.  I know he has charisma and all, but seriously.  There's some painfully long chat with a Russian man.  I have no idea what's going on.  It appears everyone got new identities.  Sarah is now Shaniqua.  Hee.  Bruce is in a uniform and looks rather nice.

Sarah/Shaniqua is a fucking dork.  She asks Bruce what the punishment might be for what they're doing (what ARE they doing?)...he answers death or life in prison, and she grins and exclaims "awesome!".  What the fuuuck.  She is stupid.

Some more stuff happens.  Bruce has a fight while some 80s rock type song plays.  There is blood and punching.  Then gunfire, of course.  The building goes into lockdown but Bruce and Sarah escape.  Also they blow up part of the building with household materials.  Bruce poses as a firefighter (hot),  and now here is Malkovich again, posing as an ambulance driver and looking very unhappy.  He has a nosebleed.  Welcome to my life during pollen season.  The nosebleeds, I mean.  Not posing as an ambulance driver.

Ohh okay so Morgan Freeman's character is alive after all.  They made it seem like he died a while back.  Malkovich seems ticked about this. 

Now they are all somewhere called the eagles nest.  Is he visiting his mom or something?  I have no idea.

Now.....I have no idea what they're doing.  Some undercover shit.  Now the FBI is everywhere.  Morgan Freeman got shot.  I guess he is for real dead now.
Stupid Sarah just fell down a hill and the FBI surrounded her. 

Some more stuff happens. They are at some big fancy event.  I don't even....ugh another car chase.  The cars pass over a place on the road that says "stop".   That's how I feel about this movie.  Getting real sick of your shit, RED.

There's not enough Malkovich in this for me to put up with so much nonsense.  He would need to be in every scene to make this tolerable.

I've got 12 minutes to go, but Amazon Prime sucks and the stream keeps freezing. I assume Bruce Willis and Sarah are reunited.  She probably makes a witty remark, and I bet they kiss.  The end.